harsh realities

So it fucking sucks thinking that someone was your friend for a wholeyear and then finding out that they were totally faking it the whole time.That's fucking lame. What a waste of time. At the end she was probably just using me to get information on her ex-boyfriend who was and still is a good friend of mine. And that hurts. I feel used yet again and like I played the fool.I wish peoples' actions would stop triggering my mind to think and feel this way. It's funny because after they broke up she acted like she totally just loved me and that I was fun and awesomeetc etc.Turns out us being buddy-buddy really didn't mean anything. She just saw it as a good way to get whatever info she could about her ex to turn her upper crustie friends against him based on false information so she would looklike the innocent one and just the victim of the whole process.I'm fucking sick of this city. I take that back. I love this city but am really beginning to hate most of thepeople in it. The only thing keeping me here other than a select few humansis college. If I go anywhere else, save for University of Wisc.-Madision, I'll be paying out the wazooo for school b/c it will be out of state tuition.Part of me just doesn't give a fuck. My dad's had this dream for his whole life that he would be able to pay for my four years of college and he's living out that dreamright now. I'm beyond fucking fortunate to have my tuition covered by one of my unconditionally loving parents. It's one of the greatest gifts anyone could ask for. Despite this, I just want to say "Dad. I'm moving to (insert city here). The tuition will be more expensive but I'll make up for that extra tuition money through loans." I've got another major along with mypsychology majorthat I'm hoping and assuming will provide me with a well-paying job upon graduation.Ilove thereal friends Ihave in this city so I want to take some of them or all of them with me. hah. These are the humans that I have a strong attachment to in MPLS whom I alsolove dearly:Cady, Britany,Mike, Britler, Justin, Samm, Manda, and BJ. No more no less. Sorry. If your name isn't on this list it wasn't a mistake. It doesn't mean that I don't think you're fun to hang out with or not cool. I probably think you're totally all that and a bag of potato chips but we just haven't bonded on a deeper level over sexual brownies, house fires, Chubbys, L7,vegan peanut butter cups, sleepovers, sexual abuse, Jerry O, or drunken airport trips.Didn't your mother ever tell you these aforementioned activites are essentials to any strong friendship? She didn't? Awwww that's so sad. Seriously. Fuck. All I can see now in so many of the people whom I used to think I was tight with are just these cookie cutter products trying so hard to fit into a meaningless scene which they infuse with the ideals of revolution, equality, justice, and changing the world for the better.When's the last time you read a newspaper or magazine article anywhere (not counting PE or some lame ass zine) where punks actually DID something and caused some sort of social change within their cities or towns? Never.

bored

I've literally done nothing today. I had two classes, but didn't go to either of them. One was cancelled and the other one I just didn't go to because I didn't have my Latin translations done due to waking up late. I'm always prepared for that class with my work done, but once last week I didn't quite get all of my translation finished and of course the professor had to call me at the end to read my work out loud. I just had to tell her that "I didn't get that far" like many people in that classhave said in the past, but she acted all disappointed with me when I said that. I don't really think she likes me, but I'm pretty sure I have one of the highest if not the highest grade in that class. Whatevs. I've been getting really great grades in my classes so far (knock on wood). It seems school is the only thing I can do right these days. Actually, I don't even feel stressed by school. It's my interpersonal relationships with people that get me stressed. Funny thing is, this didn't happen until I moved to mpls. Coincidence? I've been feeling so uncreative for a long time and it really bothers me. I always had hobbies in high school: clarinet (big time), cross country, and clubs. I've been realizing recently how big a chunk of my life has been spent playing music, auditioning, practicing, performing solos, performing in ensembles, taking lessons, playing in bands and orchestras, etc. I miss it, and maybe even the nerves and stress that went along with it. I really want to be in a very melancholic, brutal, unapologetically crushing, blackened doom metal band but it seems everyone's busy. I can do very sweet lowvocals. Very low. Yes. (Lyrics would be written in Latin most likely.) And Iwould wantreal musicians in the band, not people that can only half ass play their instruments, ya know? Having fun and doing things well for me go hand in hand. If I do something I'm going to do it right. That's where part of the fun comes in for me--in feeling accomplished. I've asked Aaron. He said he couldn't do itb/c his plate's full and he's busy with Hex. I've asked Skell but he said doom metal's really not his cup of tea. I've also asked Brian but he's really busy with Living Hell and another music project he's gotgoing on and planning for tour, and tour when it comes. I've still got a few other people in mind though that I haven't gotten around to asking. There's really no time crunch or anything. I'm basically looking for people who aren't in any bandsat the moment or are only in one or two. Joe Axler said he'd gladly do drums, but that would limit this non-existent band to being a studio project since he lives in seattle, unless we just found somebody to play for us live. But hell, at this point, I don't even care ifthat's all it would be. I just need my creative juices to get flowing again.

first post. woot!

I got a livejournal account basically to serve as a bitch outlet for me.yep yep. It's gee dee cold outside!!! ack.

harsh realities

So it fucking sucks thinking that someone was your friend for a wholeyear and then finding out that they were totally faking it the whole time.That's fucking lame. What a waste of time. At the end she was probably just using me to get information on her ex-boyfriend who was and still is a good friend of mine. And that hurts. I feel used yet again and like I played the fool.I wish peoples' actions would stop triggering my mind to think and feel this way. It's funny because after they broke up she acted like she totally just loved me and that I was fun and awesomeetc etc.Turns out us being buddy-buddy really didn't mean anything. She just saw it as a good way to get whatever info she could about her ex to turn her upper crustie friends against him based on false information so she would looklike the innocent one and just the victim of the whole process.I'm fucking sick of this city. I take that back. I love this city but am really beginning to hate most of thepeople in it. The only thing keeping me here other than a select few humansis college. If I go anywhere else, save for University of Wisc.-Madision, I'll be paying out the wazooo for school b/c it will be out of state tuition.Part of me just doesn't give a fuck. My dad's had this dream for his whole life that he would be able to pay for my four years of college and he's living out that dreamright now. I'm beyond fucking fortunate to have my tuition covered by one of my unconditionally loving parents. It's one of the greatest gifts anyone could ask for. Despite this, I just want to say "Dad. I'm moving to (insert city here). The tuition will be more expensive but I'll make up for that extra tuition money through loans." I've got another major along with mypsychology majorthat I'm hoping and assuming will provide me with a well-paying job upon graduation.Ilove thereal friends Ihave in this city so I want to take some of them or all of them with me. hah. These are the humans that I have a strong attachment to in MPLS whom I alsolove dearly:Cady, Britany,Mike, Britler, Justin, Samm, Manda, and BJ. No more no less. Sorry. If your name isn't on this list it wasn't a mistake. It doesn't mean that I don't think you're fun to hang out with or not cool. I probably think you're totally all that and a bag of potato chips but we just haven't bonded on a deeper level over sexual brownies, house fires, Chubbys, L7,vegan peanut butter cups, sleepovers, sexual abuse, Jerry O, or drunken airport trips.Didn't your mother ever tell you these aforementioned activites are essentials to any strong friendship? She didn't? Awwww that's so sad. Seriously. Fuck. All I can see now in so many of the people whom I used to think I was tight with are just these cookie cutter products trying so hard to fit into a meaningless scene which they infuse with the ideals of revolution, equality, justice, and changing the world for the better.When's the last time you read a newspaper or magazine article anywhere (not counting PE or some lame ass zine) where punks actually DID something and caused some sort of social change within their cities or towns? Never.

bored

I've literally done nothing today. I had two classes, but didn't go to either of them. One was cancelled and the other one I just didn't go to because I didn't have my Latin translations done due to waking up late. I'm always prepared for that class with my work done, but once last week I didn't quite get all of my translation finished and of course the professor had to call me at the end to read my work out loud. I just had to tell her that "I didn't get that far" like many people in that classhave said in the past, but she acted all disappointed with me when I said that. I don't really think she likes me, but I'm pretty sure I have one of the highest if not the highest grade in that class. Whatevs. I've been getting really great grades in my classes so far (knock on wood). It seems school is the only thing I can do right these days. Actually, I don't even feel stressed by school. It's my interpersonal relationships with people that get me stressed. Funny thing is, this didn't happen until I moved to mpls. Coincidence? I've been feeling so uncreative for a long time and it really bothers me. I always had hobbies in high school: clarinet (big time), cross country, and clubs. I've been realizing recently how big a chunk of my life has been spent playing music, auditioning, practicing, performing solos, performing in ensembles, taking lessons, playing in bands and orchestras, etc. I miss it, and maybe even the nerves and stress that went along with it. I really want to be in a very melancholic, brutal, unapologetically crushing, blackened doom metal band but it seems everyone's busy. I can do very sweet lowvocals. Very low. Yes. (Lyrics would be written in Latin most likely.) And Iwould wantreal musicians in the band, not people that can only half ass play their instruments, ya know? Having fun and doing things well for me go hand in hand. If I do something I'm going to do it right. That's where part of the fun comes in for me--in feeling accomplished. I've asked Aaron. He said he couldn't do itb/c his plate's full and he's busy with Hex. I've asked Skell but he said doom metal's really not his cup of tea. I've also asked Brian but he's really busy with Living Hell and another music project he's gotgoing on and planning for tour, and tour when it comes. I've still got a few other people in mind though that I haven't gotten around to asking. There's really no time crunch or anything. I'm basically looking for people who aren't in any bandsat the moment or are only in one or two. Joe Axler said he'd gladly do drums, but that would limit this non-existent band to being a studio project since he lives in seattle, unless we just found somebody to play for us live. But hell, at this point, I don't even care ifthat's all it would be. I just need my creative juices to get flowing again.